| a matter of days... |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|10:31 pm] |
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| | crappy | ] | its down to the days no longer just something that lingers in the back of my mind
i cant get the image of hands going through my abdomen moving through my small and big intestines... and past the kidneys to my spine... yep my spine.... i cant get the image out of my head. They are standing over me.
im having too many nightmares and i cant sleep longer than two hours at a time.
its in 10 days.
ten. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2008|10:23 pm] |
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| | restless | ] | work all day... til my back screams out my name no wonder why it hates me sooooo much... but bills have to be paid. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2008|12:58 am] |
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| | confused | ] | how should i tell my feelings when you'll only hear them... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2008|09:35 pm] |
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| | crappy | ] | i'd tell you to smile if you'd tell me to shut up. |
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[May. 28th, 2008|11:19 pm] |
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| | grumpy | ] | if not happiness then content will do for the meantime... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2008|12:22 am] |
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| | content | ] | it has indeed been a long and weary road no need to follow a map just let the light lead you into the unknown. have faith in your own soul...
learn to breathe |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2008|12:05 am] |
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| | calm | ] | you can only smile as wide as your cheeks let you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2008|01:47 pm] |
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| | awake | ] |
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| | sigur ros | ] | April my unlucky month you start tomorrow you seem to come around too fast these days... i hope the 8th isn't still my jinxed day i'm going to hope not. so many things about about this month. too much pain too many memories. Well i'll be waiting for you in the morning be kind to me this year. I need you to be. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2008|01:43 pm] |
what is it about rainy days that makes me feel like everything will be alright it makes me feel like i can breathe again like the world feels how i feel it is the most soothing feeling i just cant explain
i need to move to a place that rains most days |
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| blah blah blah |
[Mar. 11th, 2008|11:57 pm] |
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| | tired | ] | long drives make me think way more than i ever want to. 1 hour 2 hours 3 hours... 5 hours... 11 hours. open road leads to a wondering mind questions that play like a broken record to my own theories about things sometimes i become so engulfed that i forget the meaning of time and distance kinda like the twilight zone before you know it i am arriving to my destination but have become exhausted by my own questions that i have little to no energy to do what i wanted to do in the first place |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 29th, 2008|08:27 pm] |
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| | content | ] | breakdown build up learn to smile all over again.
<3
live, breathe, be everything you were meant to be. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2008|11:00 pm] |
far from stupid yet not far enough... am i blind or am i blinding myself?
i hope not. i hope not... |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2008|06:42 pm] |
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| | anxious | ] | i wanted to tell you i wanted to tell you in the waiting room then again when i was laying in the hospital bed... i wanted to tell you before the morphine had kicked in and you wouldnt think it was the medicine. for so long ive looked for a reason a reason in someone and i found it in your eyes that night. i knew right then that i didnt have to be afraid. i wanted to tell you that night but i didnt want you to think that it was the medicine so i held it in. I kept it under my tounge and held onto it tight I wanted to tell you at the store when you took me to pick up my antibiotics and vicodin. but how could that have been the right time? I wanted to tell you that night when we layed down I wanted to wake you up and wisper it in your ear tell you all the feelings that i have for you but i had already kept you up late enough, so i waited. In the morning you left for school and i thought about when I would tell you how do i say this kind of thing? I havent said it to someone for years, its been years and i am so afraid ive wanted to tell you for days with every smile i show, every playful kiss, every tight hug, are the words waiting to flow from these lips. and when they do i want it to be perfect because something like this means more to me than you could ever know. you mean more to me than i could ever show. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2008|02:38 am] |
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| | sad | ] | insecurities have left me filled with questions. constantly spliting problems into several different outcomes. one quickly becomes twenty going from good to bad to worse insecurities lead to anxieties which are constant reminders that the past is always trying to drown me. it is like a virus and it doesnt go away with time. it is a voice implanted into memory. it is a face that burns my eyes. i am broken. doubtful that this glitch will ever be fixed. panic sets in and thats when i know the past has won again.
why did i let him in? WHY? he was the virus i was his toy his puppet. and he did whatever he wanted. and i let him. WHY? because i loved him. something that happened soooo long ago shouldnt still affect me today. but it does. damn insecurities, anxiety, and panic attacks. i regret every minute i spent with him, i regret letting him in. i regret not telling anyone i regret thinking i could deal with the pain myself i regret thinking i could deal. i regret running away from people i loved, just to make him happy i regret believing him i regret trusting him i regret many things but i dont regret telling him goodbye.
things are alot different from 3 years ago. i have grown. but i hate how i tried to heal myself rather than having asked for help. i think i have healed wrong. i think these scars, this city just brings back too many bad memories i want to go back to san marcos already i'm tired of corpus, i'm tired of the pain it sucks out of me. |
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| lastnight |
[May. 19th, 2007|03:54 pm] |
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| | sad | ] | i keep getting the guys face moving with blood running down his face. im calling out for him, to see if he can hear me. I get no reply his eyes rolling back... leaning on the girl that wasnt moving trying to climb in, what is left of the back seat to get a pulse ... but i felt no pulse. the car was smoking and i was afraid it would catch fire. so Stood in shock it was a hit and run. who would run and let these people just sit and die? Who could be so heartless? I dont cry & I really dont cry infront of people but i cried and cried and cried lastnight. |
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| Dedicated to friends |
[Apr. 16th, 2007|01:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | chipper | ] | To my friends...
Kim- you are my otherhalf... words can't put an explanation as to how much you mean to me. Some ups and way way downs, we have made it through a lot of crap no one should ever have to experience. We will always be neighbors on DeNile ave. lol drinking lemonade and sittin' in the shade. If it wasnt for you i dont know how i would be here today because you seriously have had to drag my ass out of some messy horrible shit. You are pretty much one of the only people I trust with everything. Your my person, lol. i could write a whole sob story but no one would get a hint of the grand picture... we are too complicated lol. i <3 you man! haha.
MB-my big sis... the one i've always looked up to and wanted to be like. you liked tweetie bird,so i liked tweetie bird. you liked eeyore i liked eeyore. whatever boys you liked i liked too... anything you liked i was right behond. ahaha you got drunk so i wanted to get drunk...which led to a very bad night on new years in like 8th grade. The music you liked, had to be the music i listened to. haha so basically im saying thanks for putting up with me when we were younger lol, because i know sometimes i was like your shadow...but hey you were my big sis and my best friend. but hey you raised me right...lmao! jk. i love you and i can't help it i just wanna dance.
AJ aka Looms- the best guy friend I could ever have! We have had a bad case in relationships in the past, im glad you and sam have each other to treat right. cough cough thanks to the best matchmaker ever cough cough. hehe. but i can count on you and you can count on me whenever in need of anything. Ahh we have grown up sooo much together... and i love ya mucho!
Samantha- you mam' are one of the only people i would let tackle me into the sand at least 5 times while you are drunk, and not get mad lol. your balance is a little off when you are drunk might i add. Im bummed we arent going to be roomies this year but that only means we have to hangout mucho mucho. Im glad you and my bff are together because i know ya'll deserve to be treated right... eventhough yall can both be a bit stubborn at times, cupid still knows best. lol. We have our times when we bump heads but that is only because we are who we are lol.
to be continued.... i have to run to class |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|05:01 am] |
all week i have been in a debate with myself as to which one of the two makes more sense...
trust few, love fewer. or should it be love few, trust fewer.
which do you think? |
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| bored |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|12:36 am] |
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| | bored | ] | sink or swim? that is the ultimatume. guess that means you'll find me chillin' at the bottom of the ocean sitting crossed-legged sippin on some tea. I've been swimming with and against this current for too long & its only led me further into nowhere. care to join me? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2007|11:11 pm] |
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| | bored | ] | The heart is an organ used for pumping blood, it does not think or feel. So why do we refer things as heart breaking? When it is much more complicated then that... |
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| Its spring time in my heart. |
[Apr. 1st, 2007|12:10 am] |
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| | rachael yamagata- ill find a way | ] | through all these years of the pain and tears im finally finding my peace of mind & opening up my life to this sunshine. its been the roughest road but i think this time i got it right. I can see the rainbow now after all these stormy nights and my heart is beating again. I can feel the warmth of blood flowing threw my veins no longer the cold that caused my heart to stop. For once in a long time i actually feel alive & breathing again. Could this actually be real? Or am i stuck in a dream? either way i dont mind, just keep this feeling lingering in my mind so i can look back at this very moment in time were i can honestly say, i feel fine. |
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