| a matter of days... |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|10:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
its down to the days
no longer just something that
lingers in the back of my mind
i cant get the image of hands going through my abdomen
moving through my small and big intestines...
and past the kidneys to my spine...
yep my spine.... i cant get the image out of my head.
They are standing over me.
im having too many nightmares
and i cant sleep longer than two hours at a time.
its in 10 days.
ten. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2008|10:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  restless | ] |
work all day...
til my back screams out my name
no wonder why it hates me sooooo much...
but bills have to be paid. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2008|12:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
how should i tell my feelings
when you'll only hear them... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2008|09:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crappy | ] |
i'd tell you to smile
if you'd tell me to shut up. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2008|11:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  grumpy | ] |
if not happiness
then content will do
for the meantime... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2008|12:22 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  content | ] |
it has indeed been a long and weary road
no need to follow a map
just let the light lead you into the unknown.
have faith in your own soul...
learn to breathe |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2008|12:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
you can only smile
as wide as your
cheeks let you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2008|01:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | sigur ros | ] |
April
my unlucky month
you start tomorrow
you seem to come around
too fast these days...
i hope the 8th isn't
still my jinxed day
i'm going to hope not.
so many things about
about this month.
too much pain
too many memories.
Well i'll be waiting for
you in the morning
be kind to me this year.
I need you to be. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2008|01:43 pm] |
what is it about rainy days
that makes me feel like everything
will be alright
it makes me feel like i can breathe again
like the world feels how i feel
it is the most soothing feeling
i just cant explain
i need to move to a place that rains most days |
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| blah blah blah |
[Mar. 11th, 2008|11:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
long drives
make me think
way more than
i ever want to.
1 hour
2 hours
3 hours...
5 hours...
11 hours.
open road
leads to a
wondering mind
questions that play
like a broken record to
my own theories
about things
sometimes i become
so engulfed that i
forget the meaning
of time and distance
kinda like the
twilight zone
before you know it
i am arriving to my destination
but have become exhausted by
my own questions
that i have little to no
energy to do what i wanted
to do in the first place |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 29th, 2008|08:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
breakdown
build up
learn to smile
all over again.
<3
live, breathe, be everything
you were meant to be. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2008|11:00 pm] |
far from stupid
yet not far enough...
am i blind
or am i blinding myself?
i hope not.
i hope not... |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2008|06:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
i wanted to tell you
i wanted to tell you
in the waiting room
then again when i was laying
in the hospital bed...
i wanted to tell you
before the morphine had kicked in
and you wouldnt think it was the medicine.
for so long ive looked for a reason
a reason in someone
and i found it in your eyes that night.
i knew right then that
i didnt have to be afraid.
i wanted to tell you that night
but i didnt want you to think
that it was the medicine
so i held it in.
I kept it under my tounge
and held onto it tight
I wanted to tell you at the store
when you took me to pick up
my antibiotics and vicodin.
but how could that have been the
right time?
I wanted to tell you that night
when we layed down
I wanted to wake you up and wisper it in your ear
tell you all the feelings that i have for you
but i had already kept you up late enough,
so i waited.
In the morning you left for school
and i thought about when I would tell you
how do i say this kind of thing?
I havent said it to someone
for years, its been years
and i am so afraid
ive wanted to tell you for days
with every smile i show,
every playful kiss,
every tight hug,
are the words waiting to flow
from these lips.
and when they do
i want it to be perfect
because something like this
means more to me
than you could ever know.
you mean more to me
than i could ever show. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2008|02:38 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
insecurities
have left me
filled with questions.
constantly spliting problems
into several different outcomes.
one quickly becomes twenty
going from good to bad to worse
insecurities
lead to anxieties
which are constant reminders
that the past is always
trying to drown me.
it is like a virus
and it doesnt go away with time.
it is a voice
implanted into
memory.
it is a face
that burns my
eyes.
i am broken.
doubtful that this glitch
will ever be fixed.
panic sets in
and thats when i know
the past has won again.
why did i let him in?
WHY?
he was the virus
i was his toy
his puppet.
and he did whatever
he wanted.
and i let him.
WHY?
because i loved him.
something that happened soooo long ago
shouldnt still affect me today.
but it does.
damn insecurities, anxiety, and panic attacks.
i regret every minute i spent with him,
i regret letting him in.
i regret not telling anyone
i regret thinking i could deal with the pain myself
i regret thinking i could deal.
i regret running away from people i loved, just to make him happy
i regret believing him
i regret trusting him
i regret many things
but i dont regret telling him goodbye.
things are alot different from 3 years ago.
i have grown.
but i hate how i tried to heal myself
rather than having asked for help.
i think i have healed wrong.
i think these scars, this city
just brings back too many bad memories
i want to go back to san marcos already
i'm tired of corpus,
i'm tired of the pain it sucks out of me. |
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| lastnight |
[May. 19th, 2007|03:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
i keep getting the guys face moving with blood running down his face.
im calling out for him, to see if he can hear me.
I get no reply his eyes rolling back...
leaning on the girl that wasnt moving
trying to climb in, what is left of the back seat to get a pulse
... but i felt no pulse.
the car was smoking
and i was afraid it would catch fire.
so Stood in shock
it was a hit and run.
who would run and let these people just sit and die?
Who could be so heartless?
I dont cry
& I really dont cry infront of people
but i cried and cried and cried
lastnight. |
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| Dedicated to friends |
[Apr. 16th, 2007|01:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
To my friends...
Kim- you are my otherhalf... words can't put an explanation as to how much you mean to me. Some ups and way way downs, we have made it through a lot of crap no one should ever have to experience. We will always be neighbors on DeNile ave. lol drinking lemonade and sittin' in the shade. If it wasnt for you i dont know how i would be here today because you seriously have had to drag my ass out of some messy horrible shit. You are pretty much one of the only people I trust with everything. Your my person, lol. i could write a whole sob story but no one would get a hint of the grand picture... we are too complicated lol. i <3 you man! haha.
MB-my big sis... the one i've always looked up to and wanted to be like. you liked tweetie bird,so i liked tweetie bird. you liked eeyore i liked eeyore. whatever boys you liked i liked too... anything you liked i was right behond. ahaha you got drunk so i wanted to get drunk...which led to a very bad night on new years in like 8th grade. The music you liked, had to be the music i listened to. haha so basically im saying thanks for putting up with me when we were younger lol, because i know sometimes i was like your shadow...but hey you were my big sis and my best friend. but hey you raised me right...lmao! jk. i love you and i can't help it i just wanna dance.
AJ aka Looms- the best guy friend I could ever have! We have had a bad case in relationships in the past, im glad you and sam have each other to treat right. cough cough thanks to the best matchmaker ever cough cough. hehe. but i can count on you and you can count on me whenever in need of anything. Ahh we have grown up sooo much together... and i love ya mucho!
Samantha- you mam' are one of the only people i would let tackle me into the sand at least 5 times while you are drunk, and not get mad lol. your balance is a little off when you are drunk might i add. Im bummed we arent going to be roomies this year but that only means we have to hangout mucho mucho. Im glad you and my bff are together because i know ya'll deserve to be treated right... eventhough yall can both be a bit stubborn at times, cupid still knows best. lol. We have our times when we bump heads but that is only because we are who we are lol.
to be continued.... i have to run to class |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|05:01 am] |
all week i have been in a debate with myself as to which one of the two makes more sense...
trust few, love fewer.
or should it be
love few, trust fewer.
which do you think? |
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| bored |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|12:36 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bored | ] |
sink or swim?
that is the ultimatume.
guess that means you'll find me
chillin' at the bottom of the ocean
sitting crossed-legged sippin on some tea.
I've been swimming with and against
this current for too long
& its only led me further into nowhere.
care to join me? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2007|11:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bored | ] |
The heart is an organ used for pumping blood,
it does not think or feel.
So why do we refer things as heart breaking?
When it is much more complicated then that... |
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| Its spring time in my heart. |
[Apr. 1st, 2007|12:10 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | rachael yamagata- ill find a way | ] |
through all these years of
the pain and tears
im finally finding my peace of mind
& opening up my life to this sunshine.
its been the roughest road but i
think this time i got it right.
I can see the rainbow now
after all these stormy nights
and my heart is beating again.
I can feel the warmth of blood flowing threw my veins
no longer the cold that caused my heart to stop.
For once in a long time
i actually feel alive & breathing again.
Could this actually be real?
Or am i stuck in a dream?
either way i dont mind,
just keep this feeling lingering in my mind
so i can look back at this very moment in time
were i can honestly say, i feel fine. |
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